The Devastating Power Of Grudges(A Real And A True Life Story)

His mum endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to the 
university. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect or imagine of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started 
preparing the spare room, which has a balcony
facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine
and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright
room, and suddenly, he lifted me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put
me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother".
Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest my
head on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he
could pick me up at any moment, put me as
smallish as I am into his pocket. Whenever we have an argument and one of us
refuses to back out, he would lift me up and spin
me over his head continuously until I surrender
as I beg for mercy. I became addicted to this
kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to
buying flowers to decorate the living room, she
could not stand it and would comment: "I do not
know how you young people spend your money,
what do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat
flowers!" I will smile and say,: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become
better." Mother will grumble away, and my
husband will smile and tell her:
"Mum, this is how it is in the city and with time
you will get use to it". Mother will stop
murmuring. But thereafter, whenever I came home with
flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I
will tell her the price and she would shake her
head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when
I come home with lots of shopping bags, she
would demand to know the price for each and every item, I would tell her honestly and she
would get even more upset about it.. Hubby
playfully pinched my nose one day and said: "You
little fool, just don't tell her the full price of
everything and that would would solve the
problem." This sparked the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle and home.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early
to prepare the breakfast. In her view, how could
the man of the house cook for the wife? At the
breakfast table, mother's facial expression is
always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to have
noticed that. She would use her chopsticks or
cutlery to make a lot of noise as her silent
protest.
As a dance teacher in the Children's Palace
where i work, I come home exhausted from a long day of dancing around, and I do not wish to
give up the luxury of that additional few minutes
in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a
deaf ear to all the
protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created
additional work for me. For example: she would
keep all kinds of plastic bags with the aim of
selling them later on, and at the end, the house
is filled with all forms of trash bags; she would
spill on the dishes, dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so, as not to hurt
her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me washing
the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom
door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby
was placed in a difficult position as to whose side he should be on, and after that, he did not
speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to
be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally
ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What
did I do wrong?" He stared at me and said:
"Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean
it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period
of time, mother did not speak with me and you
can feel that there is a very awkward feeling
hanging in the house.
During the period of the cold war, hubby was caught in a dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare
breakfast, mother took on the "all important"
task of preparing breakfast without informing or
discussing with any of us. At the breakfast table,
mother would look at her son happily as he eats his breakfast and she'll cast that reprimanding
stare at me for having failed to perform my duty
as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast
situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast
on my way to work. That night, while in bed,
hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not
clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?"
He then turned his back on me and left me alone
in tears as feelings of unfairness overwhelmed
me..
After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can we have breakfast together at home?" I am
left with no choice but to return to the breakfast
table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared
by his mother and I felt a sudden churn in my
stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge
to throw up but I could not. I threw down the
bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited
everything out. Just as I was catching my
breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very
loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire
burning in his eyes... I opened my mouth but no
words came out, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother
took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made
her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the
stairs.
For three days, hubby did not return home, not
even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother
arrived; I had been trying my best to put up with
her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and
I simply lost appetite for food, coupled with all
the events happening at home, I was then at a
low point in my life.
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible;
you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I was pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that
fateful morning, a sense of sadness floaded my
soul through that otherwise happy news. Why
didn't husband, or his mother who had been
through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital
entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had
only been three days, but he looked raggard.
I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at
him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and I
called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended he doesn't
know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes
that cut right through my heart. I told myself not
to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that
moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to
shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me
around in circles of joy as he's fond of.
What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the
cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why
couldn't our love even withstand the test of one
fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my
hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes I saw
at the hospital. I cried out and soaked the pillow
with my tears. That night, the sound of drawers
opening in our room woke me up. I switched on
the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing all the money
he had kept in therr. I stared at him in silence;
he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and
some money and
left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave
me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried
laugh and tears started streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work.. I wanted to
clear this out and have a good talk with him. I
reached his office and his secretary gave me a
weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I
stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital
and by the time I found them, mother had
already passed away.
Hubby did not look at me, his face was
expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in
my eyes. My god, how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, he did not say a single
word to me, with only the occasional disgusted
stare he gives. I only managed to find out brief
facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked
away dazed toward the bus stop, apparently
intending to go back to her old house back in the
countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to
walk faster and as she tried to cross the street,
a public bus came knocking her... I finally understood how much hubby must hate me.
If I had not thrown up that morning, if we had
not quarreled, if...., in his heart, I am indirectly
the killer of his mother.
Back in the house he moved into mother's room
and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. Me, I was buried under the guilt
and self-pity as a result of his mum's death and
could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him,
tell him that we are going to have our baby soon,
but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes,
all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard
or give me a big and thorough scolding though
none of these events happening had been my
fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as
the days went by, he came home late and late. The deadlock between us continued, we were
living together like strangers who didn't know
each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant,
looking through the glass, I saw him and a girl
sitting facing each other and he litely brushed her hair for her, I understood what that action
meant immediately. After recovering from that
moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood
in front of my him and stared hard at him, not a
tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him,
and there was no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at him, stood up to walk
away , but my husband restrained her from doing
so. He stared back at me, challenging me.. I can
only hear my heart beating slowly, beat after beat
as if I'm about taking my last breath. I eventually
backed out, if I had stood there any longer, I would have collapsed
together with the baby inside me. That night, he
did not come home; he had chosen to use that
as a way to sending a message to me:
Following his mother's death, so did our love for
each other. He did not come home anymore after that.
Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I
can tell that the wardrobe had been touched - he
had returned to take some of his belonging. I no
longer wish to call him; the initial desire to
explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart
breaks again and again every time I see a guy
carefully helping his wife through the physical
examination.
My office colleagues advised me to consider
aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having the baby, perhaps it is my way
of repaying his mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw him sitting in
the living room. The whole house was filled with
cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, was lying
this piece of paper. I immediately knew what it is all about without even looking at it to read it's
content.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have
gradually learned to find peace within myself. I
looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You
wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, wit with mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As
I hang up my coat, I kept repeating to myself
"You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt
terribly, but I refused to let tears out.
After I hung up my coat, his eyes fixed at my
bulging tummy with a stare. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards
me. Without even looking at what it says, I
signed my name on it and pushed the paper to
him. "LD, are you pregnant?" He spurt out. Since
mother's accident, this is the first time he
speaking to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes,
but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in
the dark, we sat, facing each other. He slowly
moved over me, his tears wet his dress. In my
heart, everything seems so far away,even if I
sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeatefly said
"sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I
would forgive him, but now I can't. In the
western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold
look in his eyes, I will never forget, never ever.
We have caused such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally
and absolutely intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of
reconciliation, but I realized now, that what had gone past is gone forever and could not be
undone.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me
that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am
totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything
he buys for me nor take any presents from him, I also stopped talking to him. From the moment I
signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love
had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, he will
try to come into our bedroom, but when he walks
in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no
choice but to sleep in his mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear sounds of
groaning, I kept quiet... This used to be his trick;
when all was well between us, whenever I ignore
him, he would fake illness and I will surrender
and find out what is wrong with him, he would
then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that was the last time I cared for him and I showed
concern because there was love, but now, what
is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on
and off
Consistently but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and
books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it
stacked inside his room till it was full. I knew he
was trying to use this to reach out to me, but I
was no longer moved by his actions. He has no
choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear him typing away on his computer keyboard,
maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but
none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the
following year, one late night, I screamed
because of a sudden stomach pain, he came rushing into the room, its like he did not change
his from his office cloth to sleep, but had been
waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran
down the stairs, stopped a cab, holding my hand
very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my
brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and
hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back
of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed
my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me
as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes
caused me to manage a smile at him despite my
contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery
room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes
filled with tears of joy as he kept smiling. I
reached out and touched his hand. He looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto
the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled,
but without opening that tired eyes of his.... I
had thought that I would never shed any tear for
him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper
pain cutting through my heart at that moment. The doctor said by the time they discovered he
had liver cancer, it was already in the terminal
stage and it was a miracle that he managed to
last this long. I asked the doctor when he first
discovered he had cancer.
Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection not to leave
the ward and rushed home, I went into his room
and checked his computer, and a suffocating
pain hits me. His cancer was discovered 5
months ago, his groaning was real, I thought ... the computer showed over 200 thousand words
he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have
persisted, to be able to take a look at you before
I fall, is my biggest wish now.... I know that in
your life, you will have many happiness and
maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it
be. But daddy now no longer has that chance.
Daddy has written inside here all the possible
difficulties and problems you may encounter
during your lifetime, when you meet with these
problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion ... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I
feel as if I have accompanied you through life's
journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do
love your mum, she has suffered a lot, she is the
one who loves you most and also the one who
loves me most...." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university? , to work and
even in dealing with questions of love, everything
big and small was written there.
He has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to
marry you was my biggest happiness, forgive me
for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you about my illness, because I
wanted to see you in a joyful mood waiting for
the arrival of our baby.... My dear, if you cried, it
means that you have forgiven me and I would
smile, thank you for loving me... For all these
presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you pls help me in giving
some of them to him every year, the dates are
on what to be given and when to give are all
written on the packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, my husband was still
in coma. I brought our son over and placed him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I
want our son to remember being in the warmth
of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes
and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his
arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the
air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as
tears slowly rolled down my face....
A fatal misunderstandin g and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone
forever...." Cruel misunderstandin gs, one after the other disrupted the blissful footsteps of our
family. Our original intent of having his mother
enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her
remaining years with us went terribly wrong as
destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price,
everything became too late."...... ... This is a true story.
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO
OFFENCES!!!
I am totally speechless, this story brought tears
to my eyes as I read through each line eager to
know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger!
Simple humility and communication would have
resolved most of the problems in that story, as
well as patience..... This story has really touched
my heart and life as a whole and it has
stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from
today, I can consciously start to live a life free
of grudge..
People please let's live a life devoid